Sunday, April 23, 2006

Sorry guys and Gals!!!!

Struggle Struggle Struggle!!!

I'm smoking again.

It's been one of those weeks if you know what I mean. Work, kids, Ex husband, money and the dog is driving me crazy.

Not one thing in there is an excuse to smoke.

We're trying to get things done on the house that was agreed in our settlement. It's not easy for me or for him to have to work on the house that he no longer lives in or owns and that makes me very sad that he is hurting so much.

The thing is that these things are not an excuse but a reason of why I can't stay focused on what I need to stay focused on and that's not smoking. As all of you know it takes all of our strength and focus to be able to quit smoking and I just don't have it. My focus is all over the freakin place. Each time I think things are settling down they start all over again. At those times is when I try to quit again.

A guy at work teases me on how much I quit and start smoking again. I see his point in a way. Everyone must think "What the Hell is she doing"? One day she quits smoking and 3, 4 or 7 days later she's smoking again. The reason being is that I don't want to smoke. I hate it and I'm having a hard time quitting.

You guys are so awesome and I hope I don't discourage anyone. The point of these blogs is quite the opposite of that.

You guys are doing great. Big Hugs to All.


Blogger Fred said...

Tammy, there's no need to apologize to us. Just to yourself, but you know that.

Have you considered some other quit options? There's a guy they call The Mad Russian who is startlingly successful in some form of motivational lectures or therapy sessions. I do not know the details, but he's for real.

Do a Goggle search on Yefim "The Mad Russian" Shubentsov, and there are a number of articles online. He reportedly lives or works out of Brookline, Mass., so I think he's sort of in your area.

There's also hypnosis and accupuncture.

Your doctor can prescribe Wellbutrin (a.k.a. Zyban) which I've taken in the past for stress, and I coincidentally quit smoking during that time period, and it was a snap! (although some number of months later, the junky caught me again. Now, of course, I know better.)

It is well-known by the medical profession that Wellbutrin does make quitting smoking much easier, and I'm here to testify that it did. Really ... ask your doctor about it.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Fred said...

Goggle search = Google search


11:02 AM  
Blogger Darlene said...

Hey, I agree with Fred. The wellbutrin has helped alot of people quit. I think it gets rid of the tension. & it sounds like you have alot of it at this time. Neil, I think of smoking still too. But, most of the time, it is a passing thought. Sometimes, I kind of think of it like "that's right, I used to do that". When, I see other people smoking, I don't feel like I am missing anything. This quit really does seem different than the past. I am not sacrificing anything this time. Be patient with thyself, you can get to this point. Hope everyone has a great Sunday. Oh, and pistachios helped immensely with this quit, too. ha-ha. D

12:50 PM  
Blogger molly said...

Tammy don't think of all these attempts as failures, they are all rehersals for the big event. Every rehersal gets you one step closer to the final performance.

7:22 PM  
Blogger C said...


It's me Catherine. I am posting as 'C' because I could'nt, not for the life of me, remember my password - arrrrrhhhh...

Since giving up smoking, I have been so confused with absolutely zero ability to focus. I am in the middle of my doctorate - but can't concentrate. The other day I was sitting in front of the computer thinking 'if only I had a coffee and a smoke I could concentrate on this stupid bloody thesis' - and, I could actually feel myself talking myself into having a smoke (must be that junky demon that Fred talks about).. But, luckily, I didn't have a smoke. I just turned off the computer and flicked through a magazine.

I guess the thing is that there are always moments when we think about smoking, but those moments pass as quickly as they come..

Tammy - you have so much support from all your blog mates. The thing for me is.. you just got to keep saying 'no' - and, like Darlene said, it does get easier with time. Don't beat yourself up about it - we've all been there, done that... and remember what Molly said - its a rehersal for the bit event..


3:51 AM  
Blogger Fred said...

Ah, Catherine!

You really dodged a bullet that time! Good for you!

You brought back the distinct memory of the last time my junky brought me down. I was in a very stressful situation at my old job. I found that I could not concentrate because I had started obsessing over not being able to smoke, and I wanted to.

I decided (read - used as an excuse) that I knew I'd end up starting to smoke again anyway, so why continue to put myself through this current misery any longer? Just go buy a pack of smokes and be done with it.

And ... I did. Blew a 6 month quit - just like that.

That was about 4 years ago. I'm at a different job now, and I'm alot wiser concerning the junky.

Not going back. Nope.

7:51 AM  
Blogger neil said...

what Molly posted really works well for me. I read and reread comments and postings on this and other sites when my cravings get bad and I'm lucky enough to have internet access and it it passes.

Fred - what you described sounds like CLASSIC junkie thinking. Isn't it amazing how our minds sometimes work - the new one for me is that I'm younger than most quitters so I should be able to have some more smoking years in me before I really need to quit! And at points its a quite compelling argument.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Fred said...

That's a good one, Neil! Junky thinking at its very best!

You're very fortunate to have full knowledge of the junky at this time. I don't even now how many times junky thinking pulled me down, and I didn't even realize what was going on.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Darlene said...

Me, too. Plenty of junkie thinking in the past. Just one, or just for tonight. But, each one led me to smoking for another 10 years. There is no controlling it, some people maybe can, but I am not one of them. You have to be prepared when it does come. Neil, being young is a good one. When I was in my 20's, I was going to quit when I hit 30, then 35, then the big 4-0. Well, all those dates came and went. So, stay strong, NOPE. 114 days today. Yippie!!

3:48 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Hi all, we just got back from holidays, and it was sensational. Have been reading through the blogs to catch up with it all. Neil you seem to be going really well, good on ya!

Catherine, you are the same vintage as me, and I too can remember when smoking on the beach was just what you did, and times have changed alright!

I'm sorry to hear that things have been difficutl for you Tammy - don't beat yourself up, at least you are trying. I think maybe Fred was right, perhaps its time to re-assess your options and look at a Plan B, and see if there are any other methods out there that might work better for you.

I haven't been immaculate myself whilst on holidays. I didn't start smoking full on again, but I had a puff here, and a butt there, that was it. But I know the numbers don't matter, either you are smoking or you are not, and I did. BUT there's no point in slapping myself silly about it, just return to whence I was.

Anyhow, good to see you all again!

7:53 PM  
Blogger neil said...

Jo - are you resuming your quit?
Darlene - those are the kind of thoughts (the age stuff) I have been having the last few days. Eventually they pass - but today the junkie has been screaming since i woke up

5:15 PM  
Blogger C said...

Hope everyone's not smoking (Jo.. Tammy..)...

Today's not my best day... and the truth of the matter is, Jin and I agreed to quit together, you know, support each other through this.. and I'm inside being all brave and fighting demons and he's outside puffing away like a bloody chimney - and when he comes back in, he smells like he's been in a bushfire... But, the worse thing is, he smokes as soon as he wakes.. He wakes, coughs, spits, goes to the bathroom, coughs and spits a bit more, then straight out the back for a smoke, coupled with a few more coughs and spits...

Ah.. now that feels better...

2:46 AM  
Blogger Peter said...

Hi all,
I've been away from the blog for a while, but its great to be back and to see how many people have maintained their quit. I've found it to be the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I've managed it and am nearly completing the fourth month without a cigarette. Curiously I don't feel any healthier, and don't notice things like an enhanced sense of taste or smell. But I do know that my bank balance is much healthier (as am I), and I find the junkie cravings diminishing.

The inner junkie still plays games, especially on holidays. In particular, the junkie thoughts keep trying to tell me that a cigar isn't the same as a cigarette, and that I could safely enjoy the occasional cigar without becoming addicted. Then the sensible part of me remembers that this was what I thought about cigarettes many years ago.

Best wishes to you all, and in particular to Tammy -- I hope everything works out for you.


3:11 AM  
Blogger Jo said...

Jus testing - having problems with computer

3:25 AM  
Blogger neil said...

Fred - its time for an inspring quote for all of us!!!

11:20 AM  
Blogger Fred said...

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
--Brooke Shields, American actress (in an interview to become an anti-smoking spokesperson)

"Brooke Shields is a thimble-witted gurken - a twit."
--Fred the former smoker

12:58 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Hi, have sorted out problems with computer - teenagers think they own it!

Neil, to reply to your question - I have resumed my quit - whilst on holiday, I stretched to an average one cig per day, and now I'm home, its back to normal. I have not lost my focus - rather I have regained some.

Some of our older bloggers would know that I had some intense stress recently with daughter's medical diagnosis, and other issues, and I got through that smoke free. I intend to remain smoke-free and I am CERTAINLY aware that its all too easy to completely lose the plot, and the quit!

But I feel secure in resumption as a non-smoker, and I go on from here, I'm certainly not going to bash myself about the head because of the very few I had on a much needed holiday.

Besides I actually prefer being a non-smoker in my usual life. Keep up your good work Neil, you are doing really well, and you are really wise quitting whilst your younger - and to Darlene and Fred, our gurus, well done guys.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Fred!! You're being a bit tough on Brookesy......

8:00 PM  
Blogger Darlene said...

Hey, I am doing fine. I like the quote from Brooke. Tammy we need an update from you soon. Hope everything is well. 116 days for me. Almost 4 months coming up. Jo, get right back to it, you have the right attitude. It IS nicer being a non smoker all around. You just have to keep remembering that and not have a short memory on why we decided to quit in the first place.

9:25 PM  
Blogger Fred said...


She's a dim bulb.

Pretty face, but nothing between the ears but cottage cheese.

I mean, you DID read her comment, right? That sounds like something an seven-year-old might say.

Guru? Cool. never been a guru. Think I left a Nehru jacket laying about here somewhere .... where did I put that .........

4:47 AM  
Blogger Jo said...

Well, in spite of her cottage cheese cranium syndrome, she's certainly better off than this little black duck ever will be!! I can remember her in "Endless Love", God help me, how old am I?! and I think Christopher Atkins may have been even dimmer than Brookesy.

Fred,I think that is a great title to add to your CV - the Nehru Guru - how cool is that?? Have to find a suitable one for Darlene now, and you're both launched as stars!!

Tammy, its about time we had some interjection from you - hope all is OK, and not too much crap piling up. Let us know how you are........

5:20 AM  
Blogger neil said...

Afternooon all...

I'm happy to report today is my 3 week quit anniversary! I only hope that as the days go on, things get easier and easier. For now its still one day at a time for me.
And good on YOU Jo to keep with the plot and get back to your quit. I can only imagine what you go through on a daily basis with the kids - you're quite the inspiration!!!
(along with Darlene and Fred - our resident gurus)

1:40 PM  
Blogger Darlene said...

Hey, was just kidding on the quote from Brooke. I think most of the stars are out of their minds. But, that is just my opinion. Neil, it goes uphill from here. At least, it should. Usually at 3 months, it seems such an important landmark. They say it takes 21 days or times to make it a new habit. So, Congrats, it should get better. & I am no guru either. Just happy with the length of my quit, that'all. Now, I am prepping my self for a Kentucky Derby party at my friends house (who all smoke). I figure, I just have to get through 3 or 4 urges and not drink too much at this party. Like Fred said, Don't want to mess up a good quit at this time. I have come way too far, to screw it up at this point. D

3:06 PM  
Blogger Peggy said...

Hi All, haven't been on in a bit. We had our grandson here from California and we live in Florida. It was a wonderful week, but it came and went too quickly! I am almost 4 months smoke free and haven't had that much junkie thinking until recently. I've been having a lot of cravings in the past couple of days and I truly don't know why? I don't give into them however, I just wait until the crave passes which is pretty quickly. Its like a momentary thought of "gee wouldn't a cigarette be nice?" and then my saner self says "NO WAY!" I'm so sorry you are still struggling Tammy. I think that you should give yourself about six months before you attempt to quit. You've got too much going on in your life right now and you need to be truly free to committ to a quit. I don't think this emotional crisis time is it, and I believe you know that. I would feel so frustrated if it were me and I was quitting and starting over and over again. I guess that's why I didn't quit until I was a bit more settled in my life. I would suggest that perhaps you get wellbutrin for depression and maybe that will help you in the future. It is a generic for zyban and it will compensate for the "bitchiness" we feel when we quit. I just would give myself some time to get through such a major change as you are going through without trying to quit smoking on top of it. I doubt if you are enjoying feeling like a failure and even though I don't believe you are one, I would feel that way myself so I'm putting myself into your shoes. Life sucks right now and you need to be settled before you can quit. My heart goes out to you, divorce is not easy and its a life altering thing. It is worse than death in some ways, because the person is still here and yet you feel like someone died. So much has changed and yet its not easy. I know, been there and done that! Hang in and give yourself the healing tme before you attempt to quit again. That's my advice and I will be here if you need me.

3:16 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Hi all - Peggy, good to hear from you again, I wondered where you'd gone! I can also relate to what you have said about separation and divorce, its a very difficult and devastating time.

And i found exactly the same as you said - in a way its worse than death, because someone's still there, but not there for you. For me the first year was the worst,I was kind of on the edge, and then its just that old chestnut, time, that does the healing.

Neil thank you for your kind words, sometimes I feel more like DESPERATION than inspiration!!, but the encouragement is great thanks. My biggest challenge has been my eldest, who is autistic and 17 - he's nearly there, and now Meg has been diagnosed at age 2, so its kind of like past the winning line with Dan, and then all the way back to the starting line with Meg. By the time Meg's 18, I'll be very proficient in the care of autistic offspring!!

Darlene, I'm still working on a suitable title for your guru-ness, and Peggy will need one too because she's been quit around 4 months too. I shall work on this over a bottle of red tonight and let you know the result.

Fred, C, Molly, Peter and all others have a great day.

8:15 PM  
Blogger molly said...

Well another week comes to a close, thank god its Friday, thats all I can say. I have really struggled this week, wanted to smoke so badly. I can't smoke because I promised myself a trip to Italy if I gave up and as I have already booked theres no going back. Have a great weekend everyone and I think I will join Jo in a bottle of red as well.

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Blogger siva said...

I guess the thing is that there are always moments when we think about smoking, but those moments pass as quickly as they come.


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Blogger Marley said...

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Blogger Tom Putman said...

Hello Tammy

It's very important you stop when having a trigger, to figure out what caused it in the first place. For most part from what I seen you described, it sounds to me that stress got the better of you. Remember in times of stressful events that you mind will ask you for help in relaxing, all these years you have used the cigarette to give you permission to breathe. Every puff you took was a deep breath and was 80% oxygen; you may try using an aroma therapy oil to give you that same permission to breath.
You must break all the associations you have made in your life time as a smoker.

Good Luck in your efforts

Best Regards
Tom Putman

12:14 AM  
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6:23 PM  
Blogger Liza said...

I know quitting smoking is not the easy job but not impossible at all if decided..As I'm gone through this situation..It took many days me to quit smoking. But if you are willing to do it then you can in any how!
All the best..

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2:50 AM  
Blogger Lolataylor88 said...

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Tammy don't think of all these attempts as failures, they are all rehearsal for the big event. Every rehearsal gets you one step closer to the final performance. Do quit doing this. Best of luck.

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I would hope none of your family and friends will be alienated by your "behaviour" Marian. You have the right to be grumpy, short-tempered, angry, whatever or however you want to describe it - your body has betrayed you and you are dealing with it the best way you can. I don't think you should worry about the rest of us - your primary goal is to heal however you know how.
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10:54 PM  
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